


You Are You

by ladyofreylo



Series: Sackler [6]
Category: Girls (TV), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arguing, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fame, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Story, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Romance, Sex, adam sackler needs a hug, benXrey, bensolo - Freeform, kyloren - Freeform, my favorite topic of fame, not a lot of smut, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyofreylo/pseuds/ladyofreylo
Summary: He took off his baseball cap, raked his fluffy dark hair and slapped the cap back on.  “You don’t know who I am.”Rey stared at him for a second.  “No, should I?”His eyes darted around the room, then landed on Rey’s face.  “Yes.”  He sucked in a breath.  “No, I don’t guess so.”  He shook his head.  “I don’t know.  It’s all so weird.”“Those people out there by the river.  They knew you,” Rey said.  “I thought you worked security.  But you don’t.”“Correct.  I realized that you didn’t know who I was, so I let you think what you wanted.  Security is an obvious conclusion.”  He pressed his lips together.  “I’m sorry, doll.  It was wrong not to tell you upfront.  When I met you, I thought you knew.”Rey nodded, heart thudding.  “Are you a celebrity?”
Relationships: Rey (Star Wars)/Adam Sackler, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: Sackler [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741783
Comments: 16
Kudos: 77





	You Are You

**Author's Note:**

> Rey doesn't know famous actor Adam Sackler and he is determined to keep her in the dark. In this fic, we explore the idea of trust. Should Adam trust Rey to be all right with his celebrity? Now, look, this fic has a happy ending, but the two of them do have some issues along the way as they work to build trust together. Don't read if you are not in the mood for some angst. Love is not all smooth sailing in this story. I do hope you will think the payoff worth the angst, though.
> 
> Thanks to jgoose13 for beta reading and telling me to yeet this out, even in these rough times.

They lay together, tired and satisfied. Rey started to drift into sleep listening to her man’s soft breathing. She became aware of him, knew he was not drifting on a post-orgasmic haze, but simply breathing.

She rolled over to face her lover. “I can hear your brain working from all the way over here. Would you like to talk?”

Adam Sackler, the most beautiful man Rey had ever met, turned on one side to face his girlfriend. “I wonder if I should just tell you. Before you find out some other way.”

“I swear, do whatever the fuck you want to. I don’t care who you are, Adam. I told you that.”

Adam drew in a breath. “I know. You have never asked, never pressed for information.”

Rey ran her hand down Adam’s strong arm. She loved him, though she hadn’t really said it out loud. He seemed skittish of everything, so she kept her feelings to herself—for now.

“You can tell me or not. I will find out when I find out. Do you believe it will change everything between us?”

She saw his eyes shift in the darkness. “Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s a whole thing.”

“I know.” She sighed. This was familiar ground. There was no way to convince him and no way to make him trust her.

“I’m not a liar, Adam Sackler.”

He didn’t answer her. He just stroked her cheek and leaned in for a kiss. Rey’s heart hurt.

<>

Rey met Adam when she moved into the enclave of artists, writers, and theatre people who lived in what was called “The Berry Patch” in the City. It was known as a place where famous people could roam the streets freely and just be themselves. The City banned the paparazzi and discouraged tourists from entering. Though not a gated community per se, Berry, as it was known, was definitely a protected neighborhood. Many residents hired their own security firms and had entourages of agents, publicists, and stylists following them around to protect them from unwanted attention.

Rey was living in her grandfather Kenobi’s old place. Like Rey, he was a writer—he liked living among the artists in Berry. Recently, he had moved out to the country but retained his City apartment. When Rey received a writing fellowship at Chandrila University, she moved right in. And promptly met tall, jittery Adam Sackler in his baseball hat, glasses, and big brown work boots. He didn’t look like he belonged with the artsy types, nor did he have an entourage. He walked around like a Sasquatch, earbuds in, buying coffee and bottles of water. For a while, Rey thought he worked security.

Adam didn’t exactly lie, but he didn’t tell her much about himself. He asked her out the minute he saw her sitting in the outdoor café at Mugs. He brought his coffee outside and plopped his big self down at her table. He shook her hand, told her his name was Adam. He stared at her intently, seeming to memorize her face. Rey was mesmerized by his light brown eyes behind his lenses and the charming smile that lit up his face. When he’d asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said no. Which was true. But she usually said yes to stop strange men from bothering her.

“You do now.” Adam took a pen out of his pocket, reached over with a large paw, and grabbed Rey’s wrist. He wrote his number on her palm. It tickled and she squirmed.

“Hold still, doll. Or I’ll write it wrong. Then you can’t call me and be my girlfriend. Now, look, this is my personal number, so use it wisely. Don’t give it out.”

Rey figured that Adam carried a work phone in addition to his private phone. She didn’t want to get him fired.

“All right,” she agreed, staring into his interesting face. “Why should I go out with you?”

He took a sip of his coffee, eyes never leaving hers. “I’ll be your love slave.”

Rey laughed. “Do I need a love slave?”

“Maybe not.” He shrugged slightly. “I tell you, doll. Don’t be anybody’s fucking slave… Remember that.”

“Okay,” Rey said. He was so serious, and he didn’t seem to blink. She was trying not to giggle at his proclamation. He was kidding, wasn’t he?

“Except mine.”

Rey burst out laughing. This crazy dude was so engaging and funny. Rey went out to dinner with him the next evening.

At the end of the night, Rey realized that she had talked about herself much more than Adam. He had asked her all about her writing, the poetry and the stories she’d published. They had talked about her stint teaching creative writing and writers they both enjoyed reading. Adam was funny, smart, and stimulating.

Rey still assumed that he worked security, but he didn’t volunteer information about his job. Most security people she’d talked to already were bound by nondisclosure agreements, so Rey didn’t think too much about it. Maybe Adam wanted to discuss something other than trailing around behind some spoiled celebrity.

Adam kissed Rey on her doorstep, a soft, delicious press of his plush lips. She had watched him talk, sometimes smiling, sometimes pressing his lips together. Rey wondered what they might feel like. She found out that they were soft, so soft, and covered her mouth well. Adam eagerly nudged Rey’s lips apart and she matched his kiss, tasting him as he tasted her. He broke the kiss to say a sweet goodnight and left her wanting more.

The second date was a Sunday afternoon picnic in a tiny patch of green behind one of the historic buildings. Adam picked Rey up and drove to the secluded spot. It looked like it might have been someone’s backyard, but it wasn’t. Adam showed her the public plaque that said it was open for everyone. No one bothered them while they ate sandwiches, drank lemonade, and lay together on the grass, looking at the clouds. Rey saw dinosaurs and balloons. Adam saw dogs and chickens. They had a friendly argument about the names of clouds and laughed because they were both wrong, according to Google.

Adam kissed Rey lightly, gently, and she snuggled on his shoulder. He brought a book of Elizabeth Barrette Browning love poems with him and read the beautiful words in a rich, deep voice. Again, Adam took Rey home and kissed her on the front steps. She didn’t ask him in, and he seemed content to amble on home. Rey watched him go and hugged herself. She was so lucky she had met this beautiful man.

On their third date, they walked along the Berry bridge by the river. Lots of people were out and Adam looked around nervously. He didn’t seem to be enjoying himself as much as he had on other dates. He loped along, ducked his head and clutched Rey’s hand tightly. People waved gaily and called out “hi, Adam.” He nodded briefly at everyone or lifted his hand in a quick wave. 

Rey realized then that Adam was not security. And he was uncomfortable as hell out in the open.

She turned to him when they stopped to look out over the water.

“What’s going on?”

He pulled his hat down further over his forehead. “Let’s get out of here,” he answered.

Adam walked Rey back to her apartment without saying a word. He walked at a ridiculous pace, almost dragging Rey with him. She asked him to slow down.

Once inside, Rey busied herself getting the two of them bottles of water, giving Adam some space to calm his nerves.

Adam took a drink and gazed at the floor, apparently collecting himself.

“Would you like to sit?” Rey sat herself down on the sectional.

Adam looked up, startled. He gingerly perched next to her on the couch. How such a huge man could perch was beyond her. His feet folded over and his knees stuck out.

He took off his baseball cap, raked his fluffy dark hair and slapped the cap back on. “You don’t know who I am.”

Rey stared at him for a second. “No, should I?”

His eyes darted around the room, then landed on Rey’s face. “Yes.” He sucked in a breath. “No, I don’t guess so.” He shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s all so weird.”

“Those people out there by the river. They knew you,” Rey said. “I thought you worked security. But you don’t.”

“Correct. I realized that you didn’t know who I was, so I let you think what you wanted. Security is an obvious conclusion.” He pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry, doll. It was wrong not to tell you upfront. When I met you, I thought you knew.”

Rey nodded, heart thudding. “Are you a celebrity?” She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer to that question.

Adam blew out a breath. He shot Rey an apologetic look. “Yes. My fame has increased dramatically in the last few years. I’m recognizable these days, which is why I live here.”

“Ah.” Rey took a drink of her water to think for a second. “I don’t recognize you.”

Adam heaved a sigh and seemed to relax a bit. He slowly leaned back on the cushions of the sectional. “I can tell that you don’t know me. Actually, I’m relieved.”

“Why?”

“It’s a weird thing,” Adam replied. “Fame. I don’t want to sound like a conceited asshole here.”

Rey waved her hand. “Look, I don’t care. Talk. Be real with me. I have no fucking clue who you are.”

“And now I’m offended.” Adam chuckled. “Just kidding. Or maybe not. I like the recognition, sometimes. It’s nice to choose my roles and work with interesting directors. I like meeting other actors and being treated as a peer. I always enjoy being told I’ve done a good job in a film. That’s all great.”

He took another drink of water and wiped his lips.

“But?” Rey prompted.

“But. Fame is hard because I just want to be me. I want to be free to walk to the store or get coffee. I don’t want people to recognize me all the time, even if they are trying to be nice. I want to date someone and engage in real conversation, rather than worrying that a girl is fucking me for an autograph and a tabloid story.”

“I understand that. I wouldn’t want that either.” Rey leaned forward. “Look, this might be a bit strange, but I actually have a documented disability. I have memory issues that go along with other diverse thinking patterns.”

Adam’s eyebrows lifted. “Really?”

“Yes, I have trouble remembering faces and names even if I’ve met someone before. That extends to seeing people in movies or TV shows, too. Even if I saw you in a movie, I might not remember you, your face, or your name. It’s worse if you have a costume and makeup on—or if you wear prosthetics or a mask. If you’re out of context for me, I might not recognize you.”

Rey saw Adam’s skeptical look. “Want to try me?”

“Sure. How?”

“Look up famous people on your phone and ask me who they are. Show me their pictures. Don’t find photos of their character. Find photos of them, especially candids.”

Adam showed Rey a photo of a famous actor walking down the street with a hat on. Rey snapped her fingers. “That’s the guy who played what’s-his-name in that one movie… It’s about… about… No, I think that’s the other one. The one I didn’t like that well.”

Five photos later and Rey couldn’t remember names or many details about any but the most famous.

Adam visibly relaxed that afternoon. He took off his hat and then laid his glasses aside as well, rubbing his nose.

Then, he opened his big arms and Rey found herself in his warm embrace, kissing his plushy lips and looking deep into his whiskey brown eyes. He smiled at her and asked if she wanted to show him her bedroom.

She did very much want to show him her room, her body, and her growing feelings. Adam carried her inside to treat her to a decadent encounter with his perfect body. He was an amazing lover. Rey found herself lost in the sensations he aroused with those plushy lips between her legs. She slept beside him all night, only waking to realize that he had never told her his last name.

<>

Rey should have known that Adam was someone who worked in front of the camera in the film industry. He stopped by her apartment one evening on his way to an event. He wore a custom-tailored tuxedo that must have cost a pretty penny. Rey didn’t even want to ask how much. His hair was expertly styled, and he had contacts in. Rey wasn’t sure, but she’d bet her grandpa’s apartment that Adam Sackler—he had eventually shared his last name with her—had on some light makeup to even out his skin-tone and downplay his freckles and moles. She loved the ones peppering his face so much—she called them his sweet sprinkles.

The man standing at her door was Adam but not Adam. The intimate way she knew him slipped away. He looked every inch the movie star, someone who would be great in front of a camera. He was incredibly handsome, though not in a leading man kind of way. He had a dark, sexy vibe, a dangerous presence. Someone who would lead a woman down a dark path, fuck her thoroughly, then… walk off. Who knew when he might return to find his love? Maybe never. That thought gave Rey a shiver down her spine. 

Rey wondered why she had not seen this vibe in him before. Maybe it was because her Adam looked so different with his hair tucked behind his big ears, his glasses perched on a long, bold nose, and his slightly crooked teeth showing when he smiled. He made no move to cover what might be considered flaws. Rey thought he was cute as hell with his big smile, sexy laugh, and soft brown eyes. 

This individual, a different version of Adam Sackler, watched her carefully as she absorbed his new look.

Rey breathed in. “I still don’t know you, Adam,” she said. “And you know I wouldn’t care even if I did recognize you. You are fucking handsome, though, my sexy dude.”

He pulled her into his arms for a moment and kissed her lightly. He smelled different—like expensive cologne. “Thank you. I’m glad you like me. I was a little worried you might not recognize me like this. Are you mad at me about this whole thing? My affection for you grows stronger every day, doll. I really don’t want to leave you behind tonight.”

“But…” Rey knew why Adam hadn’t invited her to the event.

“I like what we have, Rey,” Adam said. “I like being free around you.” He was convinced their relationship would change if Rey found out who he was.

She argued with him, saying that nothing would change, even if she did know the movies he’d been in. Even if she’d seen every one of them. Though she doubted that was the case… She guessed that she had never seen one of his movies or plays or TV appearances. Adam still didn’t trust Rey’s reaction, so she promised to remain in the dark about his success.

And that meant never attending events related to Adam’s success. It also meant never attending events at the University as a couple. Adam said he was too recognizable, and someone was bound to know him and spill the beans to Rey.

<>

In the next month of their relationship, Rey thought perhaps Adam was coming around to her way of thinking. The kicker was that he had to leave for a few months, filming on location. He wanted Rey to go with him, but he said it would mean revealing what he jokingly called his “secret identity.”

They talked over breakfast one morning.

“And then you’ll know,” he said. “When I tell you the name of the movie, you’ll know.”

Rey sipped her morning coffee. “All right, why?”

“It’s a franchise, and I’m associated with it.”

That was new information. But Rey just shrugged. “Very famous?”

Adam fiddled with his eggs and finally took a bite. “Yep. You will know the franchise. Everyone does, even if they’ve never seen the movies. It is that famous. My status as a celebrity skyrocketed after I was cast.”

Rey couldn’t help but run through film franchises in her mind. There were quite a few, some of which she had watched and others she had missed.

Adam put his hand over hers. “Don’t,” he warned.

“I still don’t know, Adam, and, honestly, I don’t care to know. But I also don’t understand why you think I would react differently to you. We’ve been together for a while and you are just Adam. The guy who drinks coffee and memorizes lines.”

He pushed out his lower lip. “That’s it? That’s what I am to you? How about the guy who gives you amazing orgasms?”

Rey giggled. “That, too.” She put her arms around his neck. She wanted to call him the guy she loved.

“I’m just the damn coffee guy. I see how it is,” Adam complained, shaking his head, and draining his cup. “All right, I gotta go to work.” He kissed Rey and grabbed his backpack. He called his driver to see if the car was there to pick him up for the ride to the studio.

<>

They talked again later about Adam’s imminent move to Naboo for four months to film the franchise movie. 

“Come with me, Rey.” He snuggled her in his arms on the couch. “I don’t want to be gone so long—away from you.”

“Well, that’s lovely.” Rey had to admit she felt a bit snappish going over this argument again. “I would go with you, if you wanted me to, but I don’t think you do. So, here’s a question. Are you going to tell me which franchise it is, so when we get there, I’m not blindsided? Or are you going to leave me here to maintain your secret identity? Which one will it be?”

Adam opened his mouth and then shut it.

“You don’t trust me, Adam Sackler. And that is the bottom line. If you did, you’d believe that I can handle your fame and we would not be having this discussion. I can deal with knowing the world you live in. You don’t have to keep me separated from it.”

“You said you didn’t care if you ever knew or not,” Adam replied in a dangerous voice.

Rey raised her arms and slapped them against her thighs. “I don’t. But I think the obsession with keeping me in the dark is silly. If I find out, I find out. So the hell what?”

Adam jumped up off the couch. “Because people treat me differently now. I’m not different. But they are.”

“Who?” Rey demanded.

“My former friends. I get some press and suddenly there are a bunch of relatives I never knew I had, looking for fucking handouts. People I used to trust posted pictures and stories about me on the internet. My security team had to scrub them all and ask everyone around me to sign nondisclosure agreements. Then so-called fans posted where I lived and followed me around. I was happy at first to be getting recognition for my work. But really, it’s a shit show and I fucking hate it. You know this. Why do you ask me again and again?”

Rey could see how that would bother him. “I get it.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t have to deal with…” He closed his eyes and pinched his nose under his glasses. “Women. I can’t get a real date with someone I like. I have to date people in the industry. Then I can’t be me. Who knows the real me? Who can I trust not to sell the story to the tabloids?”

“For fuck’s sake, Adam Sackler. I’d like to think I know the real you, but part of that real you is missing. And what makes you think I wouldn’t sell my story, too?” Rey was thoroughly exasperated.

Adam sat down again. “Because you don’t know who I am. You don’t know how to sell the story. Fucking fuck shit. I don’t trust anyone anymore.”

Rey touched his arm. “I don’t want a celebrity boyfriend. I want to be with you, as you are. Just Adam. I’ve told you that repeatedly.”

Adam put his head in his hands. “I can’t stop believing that you’re…”

“Say it, Adam,” Rey ground out. “Just say I’m a liar who is trying to get something out of you.”

Adam looked up. “I just don’t know if you are or not, doll.”

“Then we have a problem.”

Rey got up and left the room.

They still made love because they were there, the bed was there, and the deep need to connect remained.

But Rey’s heart hurt when she told Adam she was not a liar and he said nothing back.

Neither slept well, nor did they speak on the subject again.

Rey knew in her heart that she could not go to Naboo with Adam under the circumstances. He might love her, though he’d never said it outright. But he didn’t trust her, and maybe he thought she was lying to make him happy. That she knew exactly who he was and what movies he had made.

Rey sat in front of her computer at home, since she didn’t have to teach that day. Adam was out finishing up his shooting schedule for his latest movie. She was exhausted. She couldn’t work, couldn’t think about anything but this goddamn situation. She would have to choose a paranoid maniac actor to fall in love with. Not a regular guy.

Her hands hovered over the keyboard, cursor on the Google search bar. She could end it all right here and now. She was in fact not lying to Adam. She did not spend time racking her brain to figure out which of the big franchises he might work for. Perhaps if she guessed correctly on the franchise, she would remember him and his character. Or she could simply look him up online. She knew he was there. He would have to be if the franchise was well-known.

She typed in his first name. The autofill popped up the rest. Adam Sackler. He was first in the autofill, which surprised her.

Rey hovered and hovered. Would Adam consider this search a betrayal of trust? Would she then have made his fears come true?

Could she do a search and keep it a secret? She really would be a liar.

The door opened suddenly. Adam walked in. He was back early.

Rey’s hand reflexively clicked on the search and up popped photos and websites and links. She quickly tried to shut it down.

Adam’s greeting died on his lips as he watched Rey’s frantic scramble.

He dropped his backpack on the floor and walked up to Rey with tight lips.

“What’s going on, doll?” His voice was soft, so soft. His eyes were wary.

Rey tried to talk but it came out a squeak of misery. She cleared her throat. “Not a thing.”

He stood above her and tapped his fingers on her desk. “Now, either you’re looking up porn, which I highly doubt, since I know you’re well-satisfied. Or you are looking up information about me.”

Rey gulped. “Adam…”

“Yes?”

“Listen to me. It’s not…”

He slammed his hand on the desk. “Please.”

“I don’t lie, Adam.” Rey stood up, too. She couldn’t deal with him standing over her. She drew herself up. It didn’t help that much, since he was impossibly tall.

He threaded his hand through his hair. “Tell me.”

“I wanted to look you up to end this whole thing and tell you I knew. But I realized it would be a betrayal. We agreed that I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do a search and then lie. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

He shook his head and laughed a mirthless sound. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t. I didn’t press enter. Well, I did. But only because you came in so suddenly. I was about to erase the whole thing, I swear.”

Adam looked right through her. “Sure.”

Rey took Adam’s hand in hers. “Do you believe me?”

He pulled his hand away. “I don’t know.”

“Then tell me who you are. Do it now and then we won’t have anything between us.”

“Fine.” He took Rey’s hand and pulled her close. He took off his glasses, shook out his hair from behind his ears, and cupped her face with his hand. His eyes went blank, his full lips tightened slightly. He had no expression on his face, except for what seemed like hard-fought control over a ruthless anger.

His hand slipped down to her neck and he placed his thumb on her lower lip. He opened her mouth, came close, and whispered, “ _Galactic Battles_ , Kylo Ren.”

He kissed her, hard and mercilessly, plunging his tongue into her mouth, devouring her lips, almost bruising her. He pulled away.

The memory clicked into place. Rey knew him. She knew Adam Sackler, though she hadn’t remembered his name. She had seen the films and watched him play a darkly handsome, ruthless, conflicted character. And she remembered some of his other films, too. Ones in which he walked around almost naked, showing his ass on camera and whispering dirty fantasies to his co-stars. In one scene, his character peed on a girlfriend; in another, his character humiliated a woman during sex. 

Rey had blocked one of her friends for sending pictures of Adam’s ass to her work email. The description had mentioned the name of his character, not Adam Sackler himself. And although Rey had seen her lover’s ass up close and personal, she had not recognized that it was the same one as in the email. The man in front of her played sexy villains, dirty-talking sociopaths, and other attractive but often problematic characters.

That’s what he was known for. That’s who he was and that’s why he didn’t want her to know. He wanted to be Adam, the guy next door. He didn’t want the baggage that came with him: villain, sociopath, dirty-talking asshole.

Adam pushed her away. He shoved his glasses back on his nose, walked over and got his backpack. “Well, do you know now?”

“Yes,” Rey whispered. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes.

He stood at the door. “You’ve seen me in things?”

“Yes.”

He nodded. “All right then.” He opened the door and walked out.

Rey chased him. “Adam.”

He stopped and turned.

“You know it doesn’t matter to me. You’re still you. Just Adam.”

“It matters to me.” He turned and left.

<>

Rey shifted between seething and crying. She was royally pissed at Adam, but the question became whether to leave him to stew by himself or go find him and yell at him. This issue was of his own making; Rey had not done anything to warrant his mistrust of her. She wanted to storm after him and scream. She wanted to hit him upside his stupid, famous head.

Would she be different with him now that she knew who he was? He just assumed she would. How the hell did he know? He ran the fuck away before even trying to see if they could work it out.

Adam ran away. Well, fuck that. He didn’t deserve her attention after stomping off like a three-year-old. Rey would be damned if she would follow him, even to shout at him. She wasn’t about to beg someone to believe her or turn backflips to show her trustworthiness as a loving partner. Fuck that. She had done nothing wrong. 

She wrote a blistering email—and then deleted it. She typed out angry texts defending herself and yelling at him—never sent them. She almost called him to sort the whole thing out—and didn’t.

Finally, after being completely ghosted by Adam Sackler, she wrote him a text:

_I’m not going to beg you to trust me. I’m worth more than that._

He sent her a sad face. That was it. Their relationship, in effect, was over.

Rey put her head in her hands and sobbed. She had no idea what she could even do to help him. If he was going to get over it, he’d have to do it without her. She wasn’t going to perform this man’s emotional work for him. If he didn’t get over it, she’d call herself lucky for getting out when she did. That idea dropped in to devastate her in the shower. Her tears mixed with the splashing water.

Rey missed Adam Sackler so deeply. She loved him—she loved his smile, his wit, his lips, his warm brown eyes, and she missed him. She fiddled with the idea of watching his films, but that idea felt way too painful. Seeing him kiss other women, talk dirty to them, snuggle up with them. She couldn’t do it—she cried too much as it was.

Rey’s ill-fated Adam search had been recorded, and Google won’t let go of a key word once it’s in the system. Articles about Adam Sackler started popping up on her account. Finally, out of curiosity and the craving to see him again, she clicked.

And clicked and clicked some more. She read—no, she gulped down—everything she could find, from Adam’s upbringing (much like hers—she already knew) to his latest film (which he just completed). He was determined to shift roles, to finish _Galactic Battles_ and then take on substantive roles befitting his current star power. He could now pick and choose what he wanted to do. He expressed excitement about not being locked into other, less desirable roles.

Rey shifted to YouTube video interviews, though she had to stop them frequently to breathe and cry. It was sheer torture, but she felt she was on some kind of weird mission: groping toward understanding Adam Sackler’s mindset. She started with older videos and moved up to the present. She watched him closely, swallowing the lump in her throat that threatened to choke her. She knew his expressions and emotions well. She saw a man struggling to make a name for himself, taking on a variety of “weirdo” or “offbeat”—if the interviewer was nice—roles. Rey realized that Adam had never been cast as a romantic lead or a hero in films, probably because of his unusual looks. Somehow casting directors—or perhaps his agent—didn’t think Adam could perform well in those kinds of roles.

Against all odds, Adam Sackler took weirdo roles and made them his. He made them wonderful and quirky and fun and scary and fucking hot. He moved them beyond what was ordinarily expected of odd characters and brought depth to their creation. His end goal was to play a wide range of characters, and later interviews showed his discomfort with those older, oddball roles. He seemed to want interviewers to understand that he gave performances based on a director’s vision, and that it was uncomfortable to have his own personality conflated with that of a character.

He hated fame, she realized, because people treated him differently. Not just differently, but as if he really peed on his girlfriend or really killed someone with a lightsaber. He didn’t want Rey to know because he thought she would judge him for his roles. Or she might believe he was actually a weirdo or a villain, like his fans often did. They yelled mean shit at him on the street, as if he did something wrong. Some couldn’t differentiate between movies and real life. Adam just wanted people to see him as a normal guy who was an actor playing parts. With Rey, that meant hiding his acting career to gain her acceptance.

Rey pondered that for the rest of the evening and the next day. She wondered what it would be like to have everyone she met think that what she wrote—in stories and poems—was a reflection of her. Sure, parts of the stories and poems were based on her experience and thoughts. They had to be or she couldn’t write them. But what if she wrote darker stories in which the villain was the hero or main characters acted in socially-unacceptable ways? She had written those stories occasionally. It was what fiction was all about. Great writers wrote unreliable narrators and anti-heroes all the time. But few readers thought writers and their characters were the same people.

It all boiled down to one thought. What could Rey say to the man she loved to show him that he could trust her? And do it without begging him to believe her or defending herself? She would not live in that kind of relationship. He would always wonder, and she would always have to re-prove her loyalty.

<>

Rey had no idea where Adam was, but she desperately wanted to speak with him. If he had left for Naboo, she would not be able to talk to him face-to-face. No one would believe that she wasn’t just a crazed fan looking to get close to him. She wanted to say her piece, even if he didn’t believe her. She wanted to say it because she loved him.

First, she called his private number. No answer. She left a message to call her.

Then, she called his agent, who said he was on a plane to Naboo.

“If I fly to Naboo tonight, can you tell me which hotel he’s in?” Rey asked.

There was a long hesitant pause. “Miss Johnson, if you don’t know where Mr. Sackler stays in Naboo, then I can’t help you.”

After she hung up, she tried texting his number. No response. He must still be on the plane.

Then she remembered and cursed her bad memory. Adam had told her he rented a little cottage in Naboo. He didn’t stay in a hotel at all. She had no address, of course.

She waited. With phone in hand. She waited and willed him to let her talk to him.

Nothing.

Rey sat up all night. She began weeping for real at three in the morning. It was done.

<>

The next day she sat, staring at the computer with its white page and cursor. She lifted her fingers to the keyboard finally and let the feelings pour out in a rage of fragments and broken thoughts. Ideas streamed, turning to poetry, then to prose, and then fictional scenes. She wrote discussions with Adam’s characters. She wrote about them and to them. She asked the characters questions, changed their stories, made them work for her, took them inside her, and spit them back after she sucked them dry.

For two days, Rey sat. She did nothing but write, tears streaming, head aching.

She forgot her phone, she forgot everything.

<>

The banging on the door woke her up from a fitful slumber on the couch. She hadn’t even made it to the bed.

She dragged herself to the door and opened it.

Adam stood in the doorway, looking as bad as Rey felt. His hair stuck out wildly under his baseball cap. He looked like he hadn’t slept. His clothes were wrinkled.

Rey knew she looked a fright, but she didn’t care. She swallowed hard, scrubbing away the fresh tears that ran down her cheeks.

“I thought you were dead,” Adam said.

“No,” Rey replied with a sob.

He stumbled inside and caught her. She cried in great sobs. He lifted her up and put her on his lap on the couch.

“I heard you wanted to talk to me. But your phone was dead. I’ve been trying to reach you,” he muttered into Rey’s hair.

Rey bit back sobs. “I don’t mean to cry. I don’t mean to beg you. I won’t. I absolutely won’t beg you to trust me.”

“I know.” He rocked her. “I needed some time to get the fuck over myself. I’m a fucking asshole. You don’t have to beg me, ever, about anything. I do trust you—you’ve been here for me, tried to talk to me, help me deal with the pressures of fame. You worked so hard to reach me, even when I was an asshole, just to talk to me. No expectations. No strings attached. I get that. I see it. I’ve never met anyone like you before, doll.

Adam ran his hand down his face and swallowed hard. His voice cracked when he spoke. “Then I tried to reach you and I couldn’t. I freaked. I’m sorry, doll. You are my love, my Rey.”

They held each other, whispering nonsense.

Finally, Adam leaned back with a sigh. “What did you want to say, doll? Tell me everything.”

“I…” She pressed her lips together, took a big breath, and looked Adam in the eye. “I love your characters. All of them. I love what you did as an actor to bring them alive. I appreciate your work and accept it. I fully support where you want to go next in your career. But, and this is important, you are not your characters. You are you.”

Adam gazed at Rey. He said nothing.

She could not tell what he was thinking.

He blinked. Then he blinked again, looking away. “Fuck, you’re making me cry.” Then he dropped his head and wept quietly for a minute. He cleared his throat and raised his head. “I’ve missed you so much, so damn much. I’m a fucking idiot. You’ve said these words to me before, and I couldn’t believe you.”

“We probably did the wrong thing,” Rey said, stroking Adam’s hair. “Instead of hiding, we should have talked about it.”

Adam nodded. “I thought you wouldn’t like me anymore. That was childish and silly.”

“No, it was real and human,” Rey said. “Maybe I would have freaked out. I needed time to digest the idea that you’ve played some pretty strange characters.”

“I should have trusted you. I love you so much, doll.” Adam pressed his mouth against hers and kissed her hungrily.

Rey wound her arms around his neck. “And I love you, Adam Sackler, exactly as you are.” She kissed him again. “Aren’t you supposed to be on set right now? Won’t they fire you?”

He shrugged. “No movie without Kylo Ren. They owe me one.”

“Thank you, my love, for coming home to talk.”

“I had to come. I thought you were dead, for fuck’s sake. Jesus, don’t scare me like that. Never again,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “But I do have to go back tomorrow.”

Rey smiled. “I suppose you can go back to work now that I’ve made my statement. I was just going to tell you on the phone.

He rolled his eyes. “Your phone was dead.”

“Better my phone than me, right?”

Adam opened his mouth, snapped it shut, and rubbed his eyes, muttering to himself. Then he shouted at Rey. Loudly. “Don’t ever scare me like that again! I’m going to hire a fucking security team to make sure you remember your goddamn phone. Then if you forget, I can call them.” He paused and eyed Rey. “You know what? Fuck it, pack your shit. You’re coming back with me where I can make sure you’re still alive, and I don’t have to fly around the fucking world to check.”

“Uh,” Rey said, warily. “So, you think I’m going to Naboo with you?”

“Yeah, you are. Look, I’m not doing this shit by myself. Not anymore. You’re coming with me to everything. Every event. Every award show. Every red carpet. Everything. It’s you and me, doll.”

Rey began to smile. She would go with him this time. “And Kylo Ren… and… Jamie, Allen, Jude…”

“Now you remember them? Stop naming characters, for fuck’s sake. They don’t live with us,” Adam grumbled.

“Want to make a bet?” Rey went to get her laptop. She showed Adam all the writing she had done about his characters.

He scanned the pages, reading quickly through the files. He stared at her. “For me? You did this for me?”

“For me, too. I needed to see them, to understand them. To love them. They are part of your life, your work. You helped create them. You should be proud of your work, as I’m proud of you.”

Adam set the laptop on the table and opened his arms to Rey. She ran to him and snuggled up in his lap, her love, her famous guy, her Adam.


End file.
